(via Shutterstock) 7. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. How am I right now? And then when you part somebody accidentally says love you, too. Thats how it always happens for me, anyway. And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. I feel like its asking me to say yes or no to an invitation / commitment before I even know what it is (like, if youre having a party I might be free, but my babysitting quota is full for the month so no to that). Funny How To Respond To WYD (What Are You Doing) Texts But of course Im going to judge her reason for refusing. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. You'll hear it regularly in speech, and people actually might think it sounds funny/wrong to say "Well.". Go For a Run: Once again, running will not require spending any money, only your energies. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. My friends do it alllll the time. What are your plans for the weekend? - Making Sense of English If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Read. Do you know the meaning of the weekend? This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. I, personally, like to ask what are you doing this weekend, something fun? when small-talking with my co-workers and friends, and I also hate this question with a passion when its a step to an actual invitation (two very different things!). Me:why? Yes, exactly. Im surprised to find out this is annoying, I guess, because I am such a What are you up to this weekend? asker when I want to hang out. Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. Or only if you consider it important? But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. Best Episode | Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode - Facebook Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? Or at least, it will be seen as rude by many people that I know and had had this conversation with. Im not sure it would work on modern creepy dudes. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. Its a lot easier (for me anyway) to answer when I know what Im answering. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" What about you?. Could be specific to where I am, though. Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. Thats the way to go. Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. Im not talking about not dealing with this. 3. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. Your kids are loud. (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. If you dont want to go, just say so. People use it for all sorts of reasons. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! He's finally seen the light and realized you're meant to be together took him long enough. But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Ze might, but you dont actually need an excuse to not provide free labor on demand. A: I'm planning to just take it easy. Have a very happy weekend! I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? If the answer is miserable but I dont want to get into it right now, fine-thanks still works. Him: Doing anything fun today? I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. Since the question what are you doing this weekend? has, like, 18 possible meanings, many of which *can* involve power plays, it just breaks my brain. #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. Any request for someones time, regardless of the setting of the fun variable in your mind. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Those on the other side never see it that way. 26+ Funny Responses to Being Asked on a Date (Replying Yes or No) #1078: "Sooooooowhat are you doing this weekend?" Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. 1. No, just running some errands. I guess I run with a very specific social crowd and it hasnt occurred to me in a while that its not always doable to say Im going to do CRAFTS ALONE, its going to be awesome. But I used to be in a grad program where people were super competitive, and if I said oh my god Im going to stay in this weekend, Im so peopled-out people would be lowkey mean about how I wasnt networking/studying/running charity marathons enough. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) Things have a funny way of working out. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. Nothing? Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? So I love this response cuz its keeping it real! Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. Person A: Im fine. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) And then I would walk away thinking that was a really awkward conversation and wonder if that person didnt like me or was fishing for an invitation to something or what. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. Hence the claim some of your time, or even the if youre available as a way to say, you have to have solid plans if youre going to tell me no; you cant just say you dont want to do it.. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. Its really not you, its them. Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. So when you talk about watching her leisure time and knowing how she spends it all, I hear a situation that would be psychologically unhealthy for a teenager, let alone someone in their mid-twenties. We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. Tell her that you're there for her to make her laugh, if she needs some company. Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. Im glad for the above scripts! What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). Also, if you want people to drop the polite social conventions and be direct with youmaybe try directly telling them this? But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. I'll leave you to be the judge of when it's most appropriate, all . 30+ funny good morning memes to send to your family and friends I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). Explain yourself; dont make me drag it out of you. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! Fine, thanks, and you? Not blond but like superwhite. This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). E- Enjoying. Its bugged me as an opener for a date until I found this phrasing. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Like oh youd rather do nothing at all than do this activity with me, wow., I wish I had better boundaries around that. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. I tell her every chance I get that Im grateful for all the emotional labor she does with categorizing her friend groups. Updog. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. Tomorrow is the weekend! There are several possible moves in response to this gambit. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. But *I* am entitled to enact some of that fallout myselfits not all about her, shes not the only one who gets to be offended and feel pushed around, etc. But then again, Im always the person who answers strangers who say Are you X person with Who wants to know?. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). Can you do me a favor? If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. To read all future answers to your comment, please bookmark this page. #2 is a good point. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. What a mess. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Trying to build a house. Even if its only logistically. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). Giving my notebook a bath. And part of why Im asking is because maybe you just havent thought about it in those terms. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you. . , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? You absolutely can. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. - Anthony Burgess - Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. And I agree that literally saying No, I dont want to get to know you better is a bit off. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. The people asking the question are rude and betraying their bigotry. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. So now as far as she knows, I am very very very busy. etc. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. Oh, surviving, surviving. Rather than rushing to respond, taking the time to understand what they mean can improve the quality of your response. Him: You must be doing something. Btw, the annoyed reaction at go to the airport and the misunderstanding re: grandma could be exactly because she is used to you making decisions for her and expecting her to follow through. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? 2. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. I can vouch for this strategy! I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. (And boy howdy, did she get pissy when I responded with not really. We did NOT live together well.). Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. Need some help actually. You: Yeah, we should. OMG yes! Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. No other adult would be here. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Why is that worth it? If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. 13 "It was so relaxing. Wanna do something? or You free Saturday? There is a normal-question-asking prosody, where the words get successively higher in pitch. Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. Thats a great answer! I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it.