This is not forever. Ive been reading articles to help me process things. So thats what I wanted to sharejust something I have been working on. God bless everyone. The day He shot himself changed my attitude my feelings my thoughts about him, forever. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. Unfortunately I did not find him in time and he suffered severe brain damage. She expressed to me that she was so mad that she had to deal with bipolar disorder for the rest of her life. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. It sounds as if the person had been working on a project or goal and finally finished it. But his despair was strong as was his wish to die. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isnt somehow blaming me. My brother hung himself just over a year ago. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. Thank you for listening I just cant sleep or function and just needed to share. Then he just shouted it out. You brought up many things that I had set aside, forgotten, and needed to hear again. But I have a son- so its not that simple. I am a mess, and cannot stop thinking what could have happened if I had called him that week and ask how he have been. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. I feel immense anger and I know I am not the same person, how could I be. My Brother Killed Himself 7 Years Ago, and I Still Blame Myself. I dont worry about making others uncomfortable by speaking of my boyfriends suicide by overdose on 3/4/16. He was a great Airman. You are NOT a mistake. Danielle March 31, 2021 at 10:39 pm Reply. Im thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. I constantly go back to that day and going over every small detail of it. No purpose or reason to be here. So why do you? Is just an example of a line he liked to give. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? Its been a long struggle to find peace and knowledge through it all, but it has helped me to help others, be cool and learn to live for you buddy. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. My son lost his battle with Bipolar disorder a year ago. Required fields are marked *. I looked at his computer afterwards and found nothing out of the ordinary. It still hurts and I wake up thinking about him, all day and night. I pray you and your family can find peace and comfort in your memories with your brother. We got her to see a therapist. He didnt show any signs prior nor did we see any. I hope he is up there looking over his family and friends and that he rests easy and flies high! But, I understand, I feel like I failed my brother too. 4 years in total. I lost my mother to suicide when my youngest was about a year old. One last How late will you get home? and I miss you. Robert January 1, 2022 at 7:46 pm Reply, My son of 16 took his life 12/17/21 all over a girl that strung him along and the abuse that his mother and her boyfriend did to him. I have Cancer and some family thinks that my illness had something to do with why he did this, but I doubt that. So I know he had other things going on that probably had a big affect on his mental health. He had a strange relationship with his brother, which he stated he felt second best. Hi Cristina, my sister jumped in front of a train last week and those who were close to her are all still in shock. She keeps saying if I had texted one day earlier, maybe he wouldnt have done it and maybe because I took so long to get back to him, he thinks I rejected him. It wasnt selfish to me, it was a disease that finally took him. i have a terrrible temper and i simply wanted him to sober up. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. Its heavy on my mind and I am so scared that I contributed to his decision. He was like a father to myself and 2 younger siblings. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. His pwn pastor and best friend were concerned and tried to interact with him. Also, I want to invite anyone who has been touched by suicide to share your experiences in the comments below. Thank you. Hell never graduate high school, or go into college like he wanted to do. Sometimes the pain is nearly to overwhelming to bear and the choice of being with my loved ones is ever increasing and the excuses to stay are dwindling. Im struggling with the what ifs. Could I have stopped it? My heart is crushed and life will never be the same. He was the most important person in my life, Ive never been more myself with anyone, and so everything we shared is put into question now. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. I worked my way up from agricultural fields into the technical and academia world. I want someone to tell me that hes not dead, that it was a mistake. I know and my family knows it wasnt him that made that decision that night. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. She was my life!!! Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. He kept saying he was depressed and wasn't worth living. Ive stayed strong for my family but the feeling inside seems to only get worse. Him telling me I stole his stuff or was after him to attack or kill him. Its some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. Ill be sure to punch him in the face and tell him how shitty it was after he killed himself. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. Tomorrow is my birthday and I cant bare celebrating another birthday or any holiday or anything for that matter without him. i love him so much. Ever since Ive been in mental therapy and on meds, and I whenever someone makes a joke about suicide or dying It makes my depression kick in and all the memories of the funeral come back. I began to understand that Id experienced love at first sight many years before, although I d never thought in those terms before. I wish I could hug tightly each one of you: I feel your pain which is mine as well and I hope you will find the strength to honour their life with putting extra light in yours. We have memorials in both of our shops, and every morning I fall apart in front of her pictures before I let the employees or public in, and I ask why she wouldnt let me save her. I will be thinking good thoughts and sending you all the love in the world right now. They beat him up. Its his funeral soon, and I dont want to go. He acknowledged and appreciated this. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. Like, i loss interest in meeting and talking to others even to my family. what im trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ??? She said she wasnt sure how he even made it home. However, my main question and concern, and one I cant seem to get answered is Did he feel any pain or was it instant? You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heavens lakes drinking claws. I lost my 20 year old daughter on Mothers Day of this year after she intentionally overdosed on her anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. Really hurting.. for no reason.. Like something is trying to tell you that they need you? I feel your pain and your description of your son sounds a lot like my daughter. The wife happily signed over his body, belongings. Day before yesterday my friend and neighbor had a fight with her family. Richard Martino May 1, 2021 at 7:54 pm Reply, Julia I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber was struggling struggling all the time. What is it ?! Especially you knew her 11!years. I still dont know when or how she took the pills that killed her. IsabelleS September 25, 2020 at 11:53 am Reply. I have two sentences so far. I hope its not too late, The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . This week has been a very trying time, and Im not sure if I am subconsciously grieving in anticipation of the date, or putting myself in his circumstances at the time, but my heart has felt so, so, heavy. Now, its been 5 months and Im starting to get my positivity back with various drops of grief which I am learning to live with. I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldnt be around her anymore. My dad killed himself 3 months ago. My husband worries a lot but has to work, so its me at home with my kids and this grief inside me trying to take over. Right now you are in shock. He always played with me for months but one day not knowingly was my last day seeing him and i was probably 5 or 6. As soon as Se unity got here the ambulance and fire dept were here. It just hurts so bad. Oh man, I wish I knew what to say besides I'm so sorry and that's incredibly sad. I just dont understand how I didnt see this coming and really wish I had done something before it was too late. All in all, I ended up being disappointed and sat there thinking how ironic all of this was. I would have dealt with all the bad just to get to the good. Michelle March 4, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I did grief share at a local church but they still read from the bible that it was a sin, I even looked for grief counsler but I cant find any that takes my insurance Medicare and Tricare. There are no words strong enough for this kind of pain. The physical pain is real. He cant imagine life without her. 5 hours more or less after Id left his house. Ive bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. Getting this child to talk about her anger was crucial. Luckily my mother was home and was able to hold me and reassure me its not my fault my friend killed herself. his friends and family blame and i blame myself too. I just hope we can all find a way to live alongside it. Chazzy was also my best friend, we talked all the time and went through absolutely everything together, there wasn't . He never experienced COVID, never got his license, never got a job, never watched Tom Brady get his 7th ring. If your bf has guilt, regret, or feelings that he could or should have done something, this may be his brains way of dealing with those feelings. I dont know what else to say. I know I need to be here for him. I am moved to try to help others who are suffering with grief and to assist in prevention efforts in the future.