If someone came up with the same punchline before, guess what, it's a coincidence. Whats the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners The punchline comes, you cringe and turn to your old man, only to see him give you that half-smile, a cheeky grin that suggests he knew that it wasn't funny to begin with. Below, you'll find a list. 94. Why do ducks have feathers? 45 Hilarious Punch Puns - Punstoppable That way, if they ever do find her, I'll be able to afford a fu**ing good lawyer. We all love a good pun; those moments where a play-on-words can elevate a news headline, quip or joke to iconic status. What did O say to Q? So whether you enjoy texting funny one-liners to your best friend or can't wait to test these out in public, here are the 101 best one-liners. The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Rachel Ann (@rrachagainstthemachine) | TikTok One turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?". Refresh your joke collection and earn your rightful place as the resident comic at the local bar with our list of dumb jokes. ', Liverpool plan to be ruthless in 'biggest rebuild for a generation', Tom Sizemore, star of Saving Private Ryan, dies aged 61 after brain aneurysm, Do not sell or share my personal information. 49. Check out these daily life cartoons that will crack you up. The bartender says "If you want punch, you'll have to wait in line like everyone else." I left without making a scene. 38. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Otherwise, your student loans might reduce you to tears. #NationalTellAJokeDay. 3. 2) Chuck-E-Cheese because it's never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling. The punchline is trivial and has been left as an exercise for the reader. Or should that be worst? Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading. "Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a . Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? Two cheese trucks ran into each other. 80. This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it? "Hey," yells to disappointed golfer. A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. 55. These jokes are all about the delivery, so try raising your voice a bit and rolling your eyes while you lean into the punchline. 60. Because someone told him to get a long little doggie. Punchline: It's a small world. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners Must be some kind of milestone. What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? One of the cows didnt produce milk today. The bartender says, Hey! Just burned 2,000 calories. But her aim is steadily improving. 150 Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Humor for Adults in 2023 - MemesBams Theyre always kraken me up! Get it? Check out these short jokes for kids anyone can memorize. The first cow says to the second, Have you heard about this mad cow disease? Hardware mold accessories tungsten steel punching tunger tsunarios high Dont you hate it when someone answers their own questions? 75 Chicken Jokes That Will Crack You Up - Ponly 3. 25 Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart - Reader's Digest So true it's sad. One liner tags: fighting, life, sarcastic. Here are 25 Disney jokes thatll get you a good laugh, for the moovie fans out there. For drizzle. The punchline? 100 Best Dad Jokes175 Bad Jokes101 Corny Jokes200+ Jokes for Kids101 Bad Puns. A common Stock Phrase, and a Tempting Fate trope: whenever any fictional character tries to invoke this, the odds are pretty good that he's about to get hit. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey, but I turned myself around. Business was up and down. Down for stealing a calendar that's bad luck. Because he couldn't see that well! I said, No, wait! 17. 50 of the best lines from Peep Show 12. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Computers don't laugh at 3.5 floppies. What do you call a punch mixed with a dog? He held his character because hes a professional. He wanted to name each one Anna. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. 34. Why are gay people always smiling? I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall. You wont want to miss these 20 hilarious science jokes. He notices that they are a Priest and a Rabbi and both are holding ducks. These. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel. You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes. Not to throw more numbers at you, but we have. You can always serve as a bad example. I can change.. My father has schizophrenia, but hes good people. Click here for more information. Today, my son asked, can I have a book mark? and I burst into tears. If it evokes a reaction somewhere between cringing and earnest laughter, and you simultaneously want to tell the person sharing the joke to tell you more and also shut up because they're. The Feud. She hit the ceiling! The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! 20. It's really time consuming. What do you call a broken can opener? I cant believe I got fired from the calendar factory. Lettuce alone, with no dressing! Sorry, not sorry (but really, sorry). 4. 100+ Best Dad Jokes, Ranked by Cringe/Pun Level | Man of Many 87. A statistics professor and a math professor worked together on a cookbook. So the man asks for punch, in reply, the bartender tells him to get in the line, leaving the man confused. '90!' replies the woman. "She knew I was still a novice and it was within reason, but I couldn't really land a punch on her. Your upvote is very important to us, please be assured that we will make the punchline available to you as soon as possible. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock], Someone asked me the other day why I don't tell many jokes, [Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99! We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet? When I tell a joke, people always stop me before I get to the end of the punch line. Here are more awful but funny dad jokes. Pun: I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. #NationalTellAJokeDay Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He said, Uno, dos and he disappeared without a trace. Grump-pea! Ms Lees questioned why Kaye was allowed to make a joke about religion while people couldn't make jokes at the expense of the LGBTQI community. 38. 83. (The most common first comment I see for every joke is "repost". 31. One asks the others, How do you drive this thing?. Its from Uncle Ben. VOTE Mother Nature Joke: I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. Im taking part in a stair climbing competition. 10. When I went in for it he punched the counter top and shouted counter attack!. I made a pun about the wind but it blows. Im a big fan of whiteboards. 31 of the Best Retirement Jokes | ThinkAdvisor Ale obecnie, art ma now puenta. Your laughter is important to us. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and a million ducks envelop the golfers. Pun: He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Dont miss these 40 comedians reveal their favorite jokes ever! The turnip! Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke? I used to be afraid of hurdles but then I got over it. But they were fully booked. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but its hard without him. You can't see the elephant, can you! couldn't punch (one's) way out of a paper bag he, she, etc. I failed math so many times at school, I cant even count. A guy will search for a golf ball. In this day and age with less and less being aimed towards family viewing, you can always count on a good dad joke for family fun. I have a split personality, said Tom, being Frank. Take a look at these funny tombstones that really exist. Punchline: The kids are taking it pretty badly. The other cow says, Why would I care? Liudmila Chernetska / Getty Images/iStockphoto. The cows got the udder. My new girlfriend works at the zoo. 18. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. if i was an orphan i'd fight back nobody's gonna punch me and get away with it thats not how i role homie! After a moment of searching throughout the bar, the man realised there was no punchline. My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, Watt?. Done! It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline. Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Couldn't run a chook raffle. Oop! You can't do that!" Why did the road punch the pogoing chicken? I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I dont know why. They're great for separating independent Clauses. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. My father used to tell a joke, that involved the guy talking to a priest or therapist, and he is worried about a reoccurring dream that involves him having sex with a chicken (can't remember who was doing what with who). A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary. I never forgot that joke again. What are similar phrases like "You couldn't kick a tire - Reddit What did the horse say when he fell? What's the difference between a woman and a computer? 34. Four fonts walk into a bar. You cant run through a camp site. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. A book just fell on my head. Im just doing it for kicks. What is a honeymoon salad? My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. Ive decided to sell my Hoover it was just collecting dust. The salad bar. 11 years old and he still doesnt know my name is Brian. I dont know what he laced them with, but Ive been tripping all day. I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married. I met the man who invented the windowsill. RELATED: These College Supplies Are So Genius, You May Just Want Them For Yourself A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Whats not to love? I guess I was stoned off my ass. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" Because I start laughing even before I reach the punchline. . 25. 16. Getting home then realising they didnt give you one of the containers riceless. Now that you've cackled your way through these clever jokes, get your little ones in on the fun with these short. Im reading a book about anti-gravity. Whats the dumbest animal in the jungle? Which type of vegetable is banned on ships? 2. By the way, were serving up these ice cream puns just for youcheck them out! 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. In the case of these hilarious egg puns, the egg always comes first. A little bit of French. A book fell on my head the other day. I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel. So we got some punch and left. 11. 238. One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment. Sometimes, they prefer to keep you hanging. Why did the man fall in the well? I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh "is this the punch line? What do you call a pile of kittens? After 6 months I feel much better. But Im clean now. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. One liner tags: fighting, political. Because you can see right through them. I was going to share a vegetable joke but its corny. 221 Followers. Explanation: Gathering dust (and other dirt) is a vacuum cleaner's sole purpose. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes I have absolutely no idea so if anyone can think of a punchline for this please help me. A stick. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, "Plethora." 5. Two kids were on the playground, about to get in a fight. Thats one too many! says the customer. The clerk replies Its a freebie.. 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes I used to build stairs for a living. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends. The monk replies: Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. What did one nut say when it was chasing the other nut? 35. With a pumpkin patch! 25. What do you call a fake noodle? The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? If youre a sucker for a good bad joke, youre in luck. Act like a nut. John 12:49: For I did not speak of my own accord.. What do you call a crocodile that is also a detective? 1/27/2023. Many of the punchline upvoted puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. 1936. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but he eventually gets them. Same middle name. However, he couldn't, because the punch line is out of order. This is like the best joke ever. There is no punchline. Do you own a doghouse? 26. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Because he saw the salad dressing! He replied, Anna1, Anna2. Its a complex complex complex. 93. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do. One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. 35. It was a real shindig. Why did the soldier go to the beach?He was caught in a sand-off and came back shell-shocked. How dairy" (Image: Getty) By Alex Nelson April 26, 2022 4:59 pm (Updated April. 55. He was in Seine. The eeriest. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke. Sorry. After hearing it, I thought it had all the ingredients of a great joke: child abuse; incestual rape, tears, poverty and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Bad jokes dont even need a punch line to be funny! I need to stop drinking so much milk. 10,000 soles were lost. I dont play soccer football because I enjoy the sport. Those bastards called back. The rotation of Earth really makes my day. The police said some heels started it. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. 69 Punchlines So Stupid They Are Actually Funny If you thought this was funny, youll love our other cow jokes! Its pretty handy. I used to think I was indecisive. Here are more of the funniest why did the chicken cross the road? jokes for you to memorize. If you travel on a cramped plane, you end up with jet leg. Breathe, you idiot! If youre more of a movie buff than reader, weve got the 15 funniest Oscar jokes for you right here. OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke. Joke: I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier. Everywhere I touch it hurts.". A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery." As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. 57. The world champion tongue twister got arrested. What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers? He doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. The usual reaction is the attacker will immediately pull the glasses off, and then sock his opponent, but other variations are not unheard of. Did you know the original French fries werent fried in France? Just burned 2,000 calories. Because then itd be a foot. You heard the rumor going around about butter? After that, he went downhill fast. A tickled onion! He counted, Uno, dos and disappeared without a tres. GetReaders DigestsRead Up newsletterfor more humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long. What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? 53. 14. That was the joke. A student at prom was thirsty for some fruit punch, so he asked his friend, "where's the punch line?". A man walked into a zoo. What's brown and sticky? An impasta. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. 42. 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke Librarian: Theyre right behind you! The reception was fantastic. How To Break Up With Someone Toxic/Narcissistic Safely And Never LookBack, Narcissists Cause Cognitive Dissonance Heres How to Destroy It, ForGood, The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever ToldYou, 5 Mindset Shifts To Stop RelationshipAnxiety, 5 Epic Songwriting Tips Inspired By Daisy Jones & TheSix, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To FindLove. you couldn't punch jokes Owlgebra. I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldnt make ends meet. A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. Have you ever smelled moth balls before? Regardless of the particular version in question, it normally applies to weakness and inability to do something fairly routine. It just leaves you hanging (usually in anger). We can all relate to these funny working from home cartoons right now. 64. A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, Is this stool taken?. Its a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces. It will be a low key funeral. My friend told it to me once. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding. 75. SOMEONE PUT A PICKLE IN MY GLASS OF HAWAIIAN PUNCH. I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her or something like that. European. 46. This punchline is not available in your country. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. Dont interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat! Never mind, I shouldn't spread it. 4. The details are sketchy. That means a lot., 9. Sadly none of them work. Nows when you ask: wheres the punchline? The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. 24. so Im going to start taking steps to avoid them. I imagine hell be given a tough sentence. We dont want your type in here!. Two fish are in a tank. So men can remember them. A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. Later she sees four people leave. I need to step up my game. Note: The punchlines are italicized . I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends! Theres a room with two tables and ten people. She seemed surprised. I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it would be ridiculous to expect a cat with its stomach contents spread out across a table to get up and catch a rat, and it would be similarly unfathomable to expect a joke with its punchline spelled out over a dozen lines of text to still produce a guffaw. if you're ever bored, punch an orphan - Worst Jokes Ever That would be a big step forward." "Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!" "Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it hit me. Well, the flag is a big plus. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, This changes everything.. 26. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible. What's a foot long and slippery? Remains to be seen. 20!. They were cooked in Greece. Its butt. 7. Ive only got myshelf to blame. 68. I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl. I would make jokes about the sea, but theyre too deep. 43. He goes back to bed. One-Liners Longer Boating Jokes The Fisherman The Collision The Skipper The Preacher Lunch The Bass Boat The Old Sea Captain The American Fisherman One-Liners What do you do with a sick boat? Impeckable . Jail-birds! Search, watch, and cook every single Tasty recipe and video ever - all in one place! I told them, "Just you wait!". A polygon. So far Ive got twelve fridges. 44. Science lovers will science-love these physics jokes! I have many jokes about unemployed people. 34. 88. Check out our collection of punchline jokes that are sure to leave you in stitches! She asked how they will tell them apart. And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline.". 89. 37. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Pumpkin pi! I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.